I Should Have Stuck with Teaching
by Wildlark
Summary: What if the McKinley High gang filled the shoes of the Team Fortress 2 class? Two words: Hilarity ensues.


"Mission begins in 60 seconds," came the voice of Miss Berry, the mysterious announcer, over the loudspeaker.

"Alright, team, quit foolin' around!" ordered Sergeant Schuester, a.k.a. the BLU Soldier. "In a few short moments we'll be outta that door and heading straight through hell to the control point. Doc, give me a boost, will ya?" 

"As soon as I am done wit Heavy und ze Spy, Herr Soldier," said the BLU Medic, Dr. Abrams. He quickly finished overhealing the BLU Heavy, known by his teammates simply as Puck, before moving onto Monsieur Hummel, the BLU Spy.

"Scout, put that god-forsaken comic book away!" yelled the sergeant to Mike, the BLU Scout, who was reading a Hulk issue in the far corner of the room.

"Oh, uh, will do, sir," said Mike nervously, rolling the comic book up and stuffing it into his pants pocket. "Yo, Doc, I need t'be charged, too."

"Patience, all of you!" said Dr. Abrams, with very little patience in his voice. "I can only veel around so quickly, you vill just have to vait fur me."

"But, Medic, ze clock is ticking down wiz each passing second," said Monsieur Hummel irritably. "And ze Pyro, ze Demoman, ze Engineer, and ze Sniper all need to be healed."

"Aw, shucks, Spy," said Sam, the Engineer, adjusting his helmet over his unkempt blonde hair. "None of us need to be healed. We're all at full health, last time I checked. It's just a matter of whether we'd be wantin' to overcharge or not. Have you been comin' to care for the team a little more, Monsieur?"

Hummel simply snorted in disgust and turned away, pretending to be focused intently on cleaning his knife blade.

"Sniper, Demoman, Pyro, will any of you be vanting zome extra healing?" asked the Medic, wheeling away from Sergeant Schuester, whom he had just finished charging.

"Nope, I'm alright, mate," said Hudson, the Sniper, to Dr. Abrams.

"Not necessary fer me, either, lad," said Anderson, the Demoman, nodding to the doctor.

"Nnn ddnnnkk yyaaa," mumbled St. James, the Pyro, through his mask.

…

Meanwhile, at the control point that the BLU team sought to capture, Sergeant Sylvester paced away the rest of the RED team as they worked as fast as they could on building a defense around the point.

"How d'you think those sentries will hold up once the BLU Heavy starts shootin' at 'em, Cohen-Chang?" she asked her Engineer, her sharp eyes eyeing the red guns with suspicion.

"These've got to be some of the best sentries I've built in months," Cohen-Chang replied, hitting her wrench against one of the guns for good measure. "They'll shoot the Heavy down before he can even comprehend that they're here."

The Soldier nodded in approval before noticing that her Scout, known affectionately by the team as Lil Pierce, standing behind one of the wooden posts surrounding the control point and staring off into space.

"Scout, get back to work!" she ordered the Scout harshly.

Pierce's gaze met Sergeant Sylvester's with a look of curiosity. "But I am, ma'am. There's nothing else to do other than to mentally prepare myself for whatever horrors the BLU team will bring."

"Look, Scout, I know you're used to working as an offense player," said the Soldier with as much patience as she could muster, "but you're the fastest member of our team by a mile, and you're gonna come in handy for wiping out those BLU bastards. Remember, you're not really killin' 'em, you're just sending them back to their base, where they'll respawn. Got it?"

"Let's hope zat she got it," said a voice behind the sergeant, who leapt several feet into the air at the sound of it.

"Madame Lopez!" she shouted in anger. "Would you be so kind as to not sneak up on your allies like that? That's reserved for me and me only!"

"Oh, but madam, zat is my job," said the RED Spy, turning off her cloaking device so she was now visible to Sylvester. "Sneaking up on people, I mean. If it weren't, I vould not be here. Zis is what I am paid for, no?"

"You're paid to help us turn them BLU mercenaries into chunks of nonliving flesh and bone," growled Sergeant Sylvester. "You would do well to remember that."

With a wave of her hand, the Soldier beckoned her Medic, Dr. Fabray. As the pink-haired Medic charged her, Sylvester watched as Jones, the RED Demoman, shot out her entire cartridge of sticky bombs onto the control point in case any BLU members managed to reach it, while the RED Heavy, Pizes, did some last-minute polishing of her beloved gun, Sasha. Sylvester sighed, wondering who in their right mind would name a gun Sasha. At least it was better than the name the BLU Heavy had given to his gun: Jack Daniels.

"Pyro, get down from Sniper's roost," she called up to the tower overlooking the control point. "Harmony needs her space up there." Her voice dripped acid as she said the Sniper's real name. Harmony. Another ridiculous name that would make people hesitate to take you seriously. And she thought Sue was bad.

At least the Pyro's real name, Becky, was somewhat normal. But even if her name had been Sunshine, for crying out loud, the RED Soldier would still hold a soft spot for the most loyal member of her team. With a little difficulty, Becky slid down the roof of the RED base and hopped to the ground, giving the Soldier a steadfast solute.

Sue smiled. "Alright, Fabray, that'll be enough. It's time to kick some BLU ass."


End file.
